Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
