i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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