bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
