Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
