I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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