How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
