A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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