"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
