I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
