he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
