Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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