We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
