two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
