Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My bed smells like the plague
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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