Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
