the condom got lost in my hair
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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