Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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