I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if only i could text you this smell
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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