Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
