My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
