life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
