the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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