Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
