Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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