I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
