New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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