If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
