If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
