Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
