Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
