Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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