Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So many bounce houses so little time
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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