I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
