is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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