my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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