I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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