Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Mom said you looked used
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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