I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
