god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
