I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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