i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were trust falling into bushes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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