I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
