I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
