Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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