Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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