I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
