Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The feeling are messing with the penis
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
