Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
