Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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