Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
