she woke up with a sticky ear
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
