I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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